Who You Callin Phat?

Legwarmers = Interpretive Flash Dance Moments

2009-10-13T10:12:00.000-07:00

When thinking about losing weight, what is the first problem that comes to mind? The first obstacle you encounter in getting motivated? For me, when it comes to weight loss I think about things that might make it uncomfortable to exercise. It's too cold, too hot, too windy, too many people, the list goes on and on. So, taking these things into consideration, I started to think about how I could motivate myself to be a bit more active because, let's face it, just cutting calories is not going to make me toned and healthy. It helps, but changing your eating habits is only one part of a larger whole. I have been thinking of ways to motivate myself for a while, none of them really worked until........inspiration! The other day while out and about with some friends I happened upon a pair of leg warmers. That's right, leg warmers. Like the pair that Jennifer Beals wears in Flash Dance (which is one of my all time favorite movies). It was too good to pass up. As soon as I got home I put them on and started doing my own version of Flash Dance in my living room, and before long I realized I was sweating and breathing hard. I exercised without even knowing it. So again, this morning I put them on and started dancing around my kitchen while making coffee and breakfast. I have done more activity in these past two days then I have all last week. Amazed at this phenomenon I vowed to myself to go out and find more leg warmers. I have found something that motivates me simply by putting them on and I actually find it fun!

So here is my advice, from one eighties obsessed dancer, find something fun. I don't care if it's finding old videos of Mousercise on YouTube. If it's fun, you will definitely want to do it. Since winter is coming up vow to go out and make a snowman everyday. Or maybe go do outdoor fall festivals to get you walking around. Or, if you are anything like me, find some leg warmers, cut the neck out of an old sweatshirt, and start pretending you're a steel town girl on a Saturday night, looking for the fight of your life. You're a maniac.

the spa

2009-09-28T17:17:00.000-07:00

Yes I joined the spa, then lost my job. WOO!!! Talk about excellent skillz right!? I'll bet you're wondering how I'm doing on my diet.. well lets look at the list..

1. cell phone speaker is broken
2. lost job
3. car broke down
4. didnt get car I wanted
5. hell aunt flow...

yeah.. its been a reall party in my pants lately. wanna trade pants?

But.. I'm hitting the gym this week and plan to enjoy every moment of it. I'm also thinking about moving down with my grandfather to help him, be closer to places that actually are hiring and work at getting a car. :D

it took me a bit to start restructuring after i did my fiscal budget then had to can it for lack of paycheck... so my brain is kind of everywhere right now.

I know we are all distracted but remember.. my body is a temple and if you're not going to worship it, that only leaves me. :)

Still kickin'

2009-09-17T20:15:00.000-07:00

I've been MIA for awhile but while I was gone, I discovered a few new things to keep me occupied. First, I'm in a new relationship. "So soon?" you ask. Why yes, with my new Nikes! They are perfect: I get to spend as much time as I want with them and they even talk to me. Well, they don't actually talk, but the Nike+ sensor transmits to my iPhone and it tells me my distance, time, pace, and calories burned whenever I ask. I think we'll be very happy together.

This means I don't have to go to the gym and get on the boring treadmill to log my laps. In 3 days, I've logged almost 8 miles. I've been to Tempe Town Lake twice this week. And today I decided to jump on mapmyrun.com and map out a 2 mile jaunt around my 'hood. To my delight, the site has an iPhone app called Total Fit that integrates with Nike+! Tonight I walked 2.55 miles and burned 404 calories. I walked toward the mountain preserve and it was beautiful. The houses are huge and spectacular.

I'm also going to join Sparkpeople.com at the recommendation of @nydia07. Apparently it's this great social networking site for people who want to lose weight to track their journey. It has a food tracker, etc. And hello, it's free! Which is about all I can afford right now.

I weighed myself this morning and the scale said 210. I'm taking a mini-vacay for Columbus Day weekend to Portland, so I'd like to lose 10 lbs by then. Even if I don't make it all the way though, I'm gonna feel great from all the miles I'm racking up with my new ~~boyfriend~~ shoes!

blog? what blog?

2009-09-13T22:40:00.000-07:00

so yeah. thats pretty much the concensus in this joint. i understand though. i'm the same way lately. with work and life and stuffing my face with foods i dont want to admit too, who's got time to blog?!

well.. here i am. makin time.

i didn't weigh in today and i should have before the family bbq which i had two count em' two helpings of carnitas (pork cooked in boiling fat) and all kinds of good shit.

so i dont even want to talk about it.

but i'm owning up to it and thats a start.

tomorrow is another week and thats that. we'll see what happens.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained (or lost)

2009-09-07T19:11:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a rough weekend. I'll spare details, but divulge that I've been in bed all day. And while I'm not exactly ready for work tomorrow, I guess I should welcome the distraction.

I did manage to step on the scales this morning. 208.6. None gained none lost since the last weigh in like 2 wks ago. Probably a result of no food in the house + no money + 3 glasses of wine/1 glass of pomegranate & vodka last night = completely dehyrated.

Popcorn for dinner.

I'm sad.

That is all.

Unintentional

2009-09-07T15:33:00.000-07:00

This last week has been extremely tough for me mentally and emotionally. things with mom have come to a standstill which has created such a deep depression with me that I've pretty much eaten everything I could get my hands on. Which isn't good except the fridge was empty so I ate alot of fruit. Like a whole canteloupe on my own. yeah. But apparently the stress has done something to me because I'm losing the weight again.

Or maybe its the new job. I'm not sure. regardless... Here is my weigh in.

294.2 lbs

thats 4 lbs in one week. thats pretty good.

Sadly it wasn't done the right way so now i'm worried about whats going on with my body. more stress. I need freedom and the dictator is doing everything she can to prevent it.

I'm done.

oh.. and i'm probably goin to change the color of the blog to reflect my downtrodden brain as i'm the only one who uses this thing anymore anyway.

periodical weigh in.

2009-08-30T11:53:00.000-07:00

and by that i mean cramps bloating and hating life right now while weighing in.

298.6 lbs.

no excuses.

i'm not gonna say its bloating or whatever from my period because i'll be made out to be a liar when i weigh in next week and its no different. so we'll see whats up.

no bueno

2009-08-30T01:34:00.000-07:00

stress and aunt flow makes me want to beat people down and eat food served in buckets.

yeah. that bad.

Motivation Monday Tuesday.

2009-08-25T10:57:00.000-07:00

What I've noticed more than anything is how much shit I feel like when I don't work out. That said, the key to my motivation is simply to avoid the guilt and self-loathing I feel when I don't do it.

I feel so effing awesome when I'm in the gym everyday. Might not wanna be there at the time sometimes, but it is ALWAYS worth it when I'm done.

Sooo...back on the wagon! Gonna work out tonight until it hurts. There are noooo more excuses: A/C is back on and routine WILL be resurrected. Yas are you with me? AT LEAST 2 miles a day. WE CAN DO THIS.

"the pcos is making you fat"

2009-08-24T22:37:00.001-07:00

okay so i did weigh in. i'm down to 296 and feel like i'm on a rollercoaster. not a fun crazy one. but a slow moving one that squeals from lack of oil.

its a rough ride.

and my carni only has one hand. WTF!?

so tonight my mother expressed to me that Alli is being investigated by the FDA due to reported cases of liver damage. I think of the many people i know who suffered through the

ANAL LEAKAGE

in order to lose the weight they so desperately wanted to lose by taking this pill. I was just told by a doctor how fantastic it was and now i shake my head and frown at the chemicals people will put into their system in order to lose weight.

So she came in my room to tell me this, and then told me that the reason I am fat and cannot lose weight is because i am not taking my meds for PCOS. she told me its pretty much impossible for me to lose weight because of this.

I explained to her that if i allow those kinds of negative thoughts into my head, be them facts or not... i would end up killing myself. i would become so incredibly hopeless, self loathing and depressed that i would just end it all.

the only thing keeping me going is the vision of me one day being thin. the idea of maybe just maybe i'll be able to jog for miles on end. i'll be able to fit into regular sizes. maybe even wear belts and not have a giant muffin top.

these ideals keep me sane and alive.

DO NOT TAKE THEM AWAY FROM ME!

so that was the argument tonight and deep down i want to cry as the seed has been planted and the depression is knocking on my door.

god give me strength to know that just because i have no health insurance, don't qualify for medical government aid and cannot afford me meds, i am still able to accomplish this goal.

and for those of you attempting to find freedom from your fat asses through drugs, stop and do it the right way. it may take longer, and may be a painfully sad process, there is truth to "its too easy to be true"

Pass.

2009-08-17T08:09:00.000-07:00

What a long weekend! First off, I have to confess that I haven't been to the gym since last Wednesday. Thursday I was just super tired from a long work week, and Friday I started working w/Boots and worked all weekend. By Sunday evening my feet were killing me. Looks like I'm gonna need to buy new shoes...damn. LOL. Also, my A/C went out Tuesday night, the repair guy couldn't come until Friday and turns out they have to replace the unit. So it's out until next week. And can I just say? When it's 110 outside you NEED air conditioning. Suffice it to say I haven't been sleeping at home. And while I love the bf, it's getting to be a pain in the ass to pack 3 bags: clothes/get ready stuff for the next day, gym, and work/laptop. I'll be glad when it's done.

Having said all that, I forgot to weigh in. Yas gave me a pass on Twitter though. Haha.

Anyway so today it's back on the wagon and believe it or not, I will be happy to be back in the gym! I'm also grocery shopping today. How exciting is my life?

Belated Weigh In

2009-08-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

So apparently no one weighed in yesterday. :( whats that all about?

ooohh i know what it is!

we're fat and lazy/busy/excuses!

So i'm goin to do this bandaid style, quick and painful.

last week i weighed 290 lbs. this week..

297.2 lbs!!!

wtf!?

yeah you read that right. i gained 7 lbs in one week. NO i'm not gonna start my period. No i haven't been sneaking into the hostess factory. no... apparently i haven't' cared.

What i did do was eat my weight in del taco, wendy's, jack in the crack, and lets count the entire bag of beef jerky.

which beefjerky.com is now following me on twitter and I want to scream.

I was told "get rid of all the bad snacks in your house." hard when mom lives off of them like a starvin marvin.

I have no excuse though. I screwed up royally and cried my eyes out after the scale stopped playing "guess the fat chicks girth".

i think i need professional help and can't afford it right now. it doesn't mean i should stop trying which is apparently exactly what i did this last week.

Sure... last week was my birthday week, which included japanese food, lots of liquor, multiple cakes, but dude... who the hell gains 7 lbs in one week!!!?!?!?!?

apparently i do.

I am therefore including this pic of the hoff because it makes me laugh and freaks me out all at the same time.

damn you del taco

2009-08-13T23:37:00.000-07:00

Who I won't blame one bit as it was my fat ass who walked down there and ordered food.

I was hungry and didn't want to spend any money on healthy food because I have no idea. Honestly, I've just been slacking like a mad woman.

But today I got into it with an asshat about judging others and how he felt he was better than others because he goes to a UC school and so on. blah blah blah. It pissed me off so much that I watched as everything just fell into place.

I might have a new job. We will see. They found me underqualified for their optician position but found that they loved me so much and my references were so amazing that they didn't want to give me up. So the Doc is trying to find a position for me. Nutty huh! Then, I got my license. YES I DID!!! so I can legally drive a car. any car. as long as its got gas in it. :p All I need now is a car. LOL AAAANNNDDD!!! I find that I actually missed walking. I have walked three times this week and enjoyed it very much. I just have to be careful in my neighborhood as i live in the hood. LOL

its amazing how its kinda all falling into place.

Now, I just need to quit fast food, cold turkey.

I can do this.

Why am I not sleeping?

2009-08-11T23:42:00.000-07:00

Today was a long one...but I needed to blog this real quick 'cause I'm actually kinda proud of myself. I worked close to a 12 hour day at work, was in and out of looong meetings, barely got a chance to eat my turkey sandwich, and STILL went to the gym after. I spent 20 minutes on the elliptical and 40 minutes on the treadmill which equaled a distance of approximately 3.7 miles and 500 calories burned. I mean, 2 weeks ago I would have just went home due to being so exhausted. 2 weeks ago, I thought an hour of cardio would kill me. Now I feel like it's so easily doable.

I also have to shout out my girls Cynthia & Nydia. These girls are the shiznit. I know ya'll see our 50 million tweets a day LOL! I have to say, I rely on hearing from them so much throughout the day, I was sincerely lost when Twitter was on the fritz. Cynthia posted over on her blog about her circle and I felt the need to reciprocate because these girls are a HUGE part of my motivation in getting to the gym every day. I'm just feeling really blessed to have them and all of you in my support network. Keep blogging you guys! See ya on Twitter :)

rock around the block

2009-08-09T20:32:00.000-07:00

yeah.. baby!!

so I decided when the stress was too much in my house, to get off my ass and go for a walk/jog. GHETTO ASS NEIGHBORHOOD BE DAMNED!

i also used th sun going down as an incentive to move faster and get home before i ended up in some crazy knife fight. :P

but walked... 1.4 miles according to www.mapmyrun.com (which is a groovy site!)

so next time... maybe i'll do it twice. :D but there ya go.

now ... i need a shower.

outside commentary READ THIS

2009-08-09T12:49:00.000-07:00

with the frustration of this morning's fight with my mother, i turned to a forum i frequent to vent and ask for some outside views and opinions. what i got shocked me. and i wanted to post them for you guys to read.

my OP [original post]
so okay... i never post anything personal in here because this is usually my laughing ground. but today i'm just at a loss as to what to do.

I moved back into my mother's house in order to go back to school and start over. I'm here to help her with her loneliness. apparently that was a huge mistake.

We are both fat. I mean fat. I know this.. and she knows this.

but as she complains about herself, she does nothing about it. she eats what she wants, cooks what she wants and lives how she wants. and is getting bigger and bigger as life progresses.

yesterday night i watched her eat an entire pint of rocky road ice cream and i couldn't help but cry because it took every single drop of willpower in me to put my ice cream away without eating it all. its getting harder and harder to watch her indulge her addiction while i fight mine.

so i'm doing something that is going to kill me.

i'm foregoing school.

i'm moving out.

i'm scrapping the dream because if i don't, i'm going to end up the size of a house with diabetes and kankles.

what else can i do!?

The responses I received were definite eye openners and I want to share them with you.

From Alzheimer
I know the feeling, I'm diabetic since childhood and I use to love sugar so much now I know that even if my temptation are always there to eat sugar even when people eat it in front of me of offer me some (hey one bite won't kill you) well I know in my heart I can't and just say no and move on.

Do it for yourself and nobody else, do it for your own good and maybe if you can your mum might change (I hope for her). I know it's hard but everywhere you will go temptation will be in front of you.

From Hasidicenforcer
stay. school is too important to give up.

You are strong.

use your strength that you have that allowed you to put away your ice cream.

start buying separate groceries.

check it out.

When I went up to NC last month to help my sister I weighed 200lbs.yes.

her whole house is filled with healthy foods. and protein waters and stuff.

after one month of being there, and with NO exercise, I lost 6 lbs.

as soon as I came home, I went through my cupboards and threw out all the fatty snacks and foods.

went out and bought $150 worth of Special K protein waters, cereals and bought tons of lean cuisines and stuff. even got those stupid 100 calories snack packs. (pansy teases) I have a soda obsession cause I love carbonation, so I switched out and bought 3 cases of diet coke. I have had all of 2 cans since Thursday's shopping. Got a new water filter for my pitcher and bought bunches of those single crystal light pouches to flavor my water. they have 5 calories each.

you can do this.

I do admit, I am hungry and crave pizza. gaming night was hard because we always order pizza. normally I would have had 4 or 5 pieces, but I limited myself to 2 pieces, no crust.

It was hard watching everyone else pig out while I ate my little twerpy 100 calorie snack pack and drank my protein water, but you know what? let them get fat. I am proud of myself for sticking to my weight loss mission.

yes. I am hungry.

all the time

but when my body starts to realise it doesn't need so much food to satiate itself, it will get easier.

I can guide you to some healthy recipe websites if you want. I can be your little fence post for you to lean on when it gets rough. and it will get rough.

you can do it. and you don't need to quit school to do it either.

From Oldsage
Different view.

Be tough enough to stay, go to school & lose weight.
Show mom it can be done, just takes determination & desire.

ARE YOU TOUGH ENOUGH TO MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE????

From Writer_gurl
Do what I do...Walk away when someone is indulging with junk food. I have done that for months and last night I ate too much and got
I think I am getting punished for induging too much and not sticking with my diet...
Wow, sorry about your mom Why doesn't she want to change? Being healthy is better than the alternative

From Boredinaz06
Be your own person and live your life for you. If you happen to become an example for your mother to live better and healthier so be it. Don't change your life or scrap your dreams because of someone else...it's your life...live it.

From Savagirl
you must be a soldier for yourself to get where you want to be

From mirrormirror

I want you to be happy with yourself

From Invisible
As is, you are caught between a rock and a hard stone.

The choice is yours.

You have to ask yourself how strong you really are and whether you have the willpower to do what you want to do.

To give up on your dreams is second best, so what do you say?

From Peachiepoohie
Let me tell you that I am absolutely living proof that it can be done. I used to weigh 400lbs. I was miserable. I couldn't lay down to sleep because I couldn't breathe laying down. I couldn't wear a swimming suit...I couldn't keep up with my friends...and I felt so UGLY.

The breaking point came when I was 22 and I was admited to the hospital with blood poisoning. The doctor told me that I had a 15% chance at surviving and walking out of the hospital. He didn't sugar coat anything...if I survived I had better make some drastic changes...and I did.

I knew that a lot of the time I was just mindlessly eating. I didn't even think about it...just cramed as much as I could in my mouth. That had to change. I had to start THINKING about what I ate...and why. I promptly put signs on the fridge and cupboards that said, "Are you REALLY hungry?" I forced myself to answer the question each and every time I went for food.

There is a huge differance between mindless eating and thoughtful eating. When you actually think about the food you slow down. You enjoy each bite. It's not about denial...it's not about forbidding some foods in lieu of others...and it's not about anyone but you. Trust me, I know about temptation. I know how hard it is to watch someone eat an entire box of Twinkies...or devour a carton of ice cream. After a while though, you just stop caring about what other people do and you start concentrating on just you. You focus on how good you feel...how proud you are of your accomplishments...how far you've come.

It's been 10 years since that doctor gave me a death sentence. 240lbs. thinner...a hell of a lot healthier...and so much happier. I still indulge in ice cream, just not a pint. The house still has junk food but I've learned how to enjoy it without going overboard. I can enjoy the taste of chocolate without eating a king sized candy bar. In fact, one Hershey's Kiss is enough to satisfy a chocolate craving...if you do it right.

Don't give up on school...and don't give up on you. Life is measured in baby steps. Live life one day at a time...and if that's too hard, the live it one hour at a time. Remember that you are a strong, smart and beautiful woman...and you can do ANYTHING- no matter how hard it may seem.

And if you ever need an understanding ear..I'm here.

From Sillyatheart3
1. your going back to school so you will not be there 9 hrs of the day and 2 more hours are for doing homework

so you leave at 8am and come home at 7pm.. That only leaves you to grab a quick snack of vegetable and fruits and head off to bed with a kiss on your mom's head saying.. I love you thanks and good night..

2. Make sure you take a nutrition class at college and even use the gym time and swimming pool... if you really want to change then only you can do it regardless if your in her home or not...
it is only you..

3. if you show your mother your COURAGE, STRENGTH AND WILL POWER... Don't you think she will see them and maybe just maybe take the courage to just put the effort into cutting down on her indulging.

and when you cook meals on the weekend don't let her do it, you cook healthy meals..

Don't waist your time....... failing... make it worth your time Succeeding?

God bless you..

From Silly
Please don't ever give up your dreams.u need to live your own life and do what is best for yourself now

I sat at my pc and read those responses and really.. truly cried. its been a really rough week. and everything came barreling down on me today. tomorrow i turn 28. one more year of being obese. one more year of being unhealthy. one more year of hating my fat.

so now i try to change. and i may not have the support i need from my family.. but i have you guys. Every single one of you on this blog. and you are the only thing that keeps me on the road to healthy living.

so thank you my sistahs and brotha!

you mean everything to me.

WEIGH IN!!!!

2009-08-09T12:25:00.000-07:00

okay my lovelies.. you know what time it is!

its time to own up to yourself and face how you did this week.

the stress alone is going to kill me. and if it doesn't kill me... its goin to make me go homicidal

regardless.. i am now

290.2 lbs.

i lost 1.4 lbs.

YES.

a loss is a loss!!!

Direction.

2009-08-09T12:23:00.000-07:00

"Please, no excuses why you can't exercise. No excuses for being negative and eating excessively. Simply banish excuses from your thought process; get rid of them forever. The bottom line is that a positive mental attitude is good for your health."

--Dr. Art Mollen
Dr. Mollen's Anti-Aging Program, 4 weeks to Weight Loss, Emotional Health, Physical Health, Longevity

I had been thinking about finding a primary care doctor for awhile, especially since starting this weight loss journey. I want to do it right, not only so that the weight stays off but also to be healthy. No magic weight loss pills, no starving myself, etc. I like to think I know about what I should and should not be putting into my body, however I felt so confused after all these years of reading what's "good" and what's "bad". I needed direction.

Enter Dr. Art Mollen. I had seen him on Channel 3 talking about how he believes in nutrition + exercise as an alternative to medication. I made an appointment and went to see him last Thursday. Our interaction was brief, but encouraging. He asked what I had been doing for exercise, and I told him I had spent 45 minutes on the elliptical (for a total of 610 calories burnt) as well as strength training on my arms. He said that elliptical is okay but that walking, jogging/running, and swimming does more for the female frame; it works different muscle groups. He said to shoot for 2 miles per day, which is approximately 40 minutes on the treadmill. He also said that strenth training is not neccessary at this point; that I should focus on cardio. Follow the meal plan and do the 2 miles, and according to him, I'll lose at least 10 lbs a month. Sounds good to me!!

His nurse came in and briefly went over the meal plan with me. She also summarized one of his books, which I did pick up. It's the one I got the above quote out of. Everyone at the clinic is super nice and made me feel really comfortable. I have a follow up appointment this coming Thursday.

The meal plan is scarce...about 1000 calories per day, which seems low. His premise is to eat less animal protein (meat, eggs), no red meat, and more complex carbs with a low glycemic index. NO rice, pasta, or potatoes. He calls it "Mollenium" and incorporates 5 guidelines:
*Have a Positive Mental Attitude
*Make Dietary Changes
*Free Yourself from Weight Control and Break the Bondage to Food
*Exercise
*Escape the Boredom

I've gone ahead and followed his advice on forgoing the elliptical for the treadmill, and I've done at least 2 miles for the last 3 days. After the first day, my buns and legs definitely felt the burn (LOVING that!). I did not, however, take his advice on nixing strength training. I love lifting. It makes me feel strong and I get better results. I haven't been able to exactly follow the nutrition plan, because I don't have the money to grocery shop until Friday. But when I do, I will buy the recommended items such as fish, plenty of non-starchy (read: green) veggies, and fruit. Oh and FYI, the first 30 days are supposed to be NO meat (not even chicken). I like fish so that's not a huge deal for me.

And you know how I was wondering about cleanses? Dr. Mollen says there's no specific benefits. It does not "clean out the toxins" from your body and in fact may do more harm than good (slows your metabolism, kicks your body into ketosis, and colon cleanses may tear the lining of your colon). The book says that as long as you're eating your green veggies, plenty of fiber (30 grams/day) and lots of water, you'll be good to go. It does say that if you wish to fast you should drink all natural juice, which is what I talked about my co-worker doing in my last post.

All in all, a pretty productive visit. I have the direction I needed. And, are you ready for this? 208.2 this morning! That means I'm down about 3 lbs this week. I could not be happier right now :)

How are you all doing?

painful

2009-08-09T11:41:00.001-07:00

watched mom eat an entire pint of ice cream in front of me. even when i asked her not to, she did it anyway. It was supposed to last at least a week. I just stared, in awe and embarrassment.

I couldn't help thinking to myself "she doesn't care whether she dies. she doesn't care what she looks like or whats happening inside her body." i wanted to cry.

I know i have problems with my control. I know I have been struggling for years. but as i watched her mindlessly shove rocky road down her throat, i realized... no confirmed that this is an inherited issue. that i.. am a carbon copy of my mother's addiction.

and I don't know how to stop.

but i'm trying.

why won't she?

Zzzzzz....

2009-08-04T09:47:00.000-07:00

Good lord I am tired today. Going on a little over 4 hours of sleep. Not sure how I'm gonna make it through 10 hours of work plus a work out later on. But I'm going to. I kicked butt yesterday on the treadmill + elliptical. 481 calories burned in 40 minutes. Got home about 8:00, ate a salad in front of a Sex in the City rerun (I have forgone cable in order to keep a roof over my head and a car to drive, so it's dvds 'til more money comes from somewhere), took a shower and retired to bed to read a little. Or so I thought. The bf is going to school to get his masters and isn't super well versed in computers so after the fourth phone call last night like "babe how do I [insert various Microsoft Word function here] again?" I asked if he would like for me to come over. Him: "If you want to...." (slightly frustrated tone). So I found myself in the car at like 10:30 and finally in bed at around 1:30, then back up at 6:00 to make it to the office by 7:30. Oh the unfairness of having to work for a living and then being fat on top of it, like icing on the proverbial cake, and having to work out to be cute. Life's just not fair!

In other news...
My co-worker is juicing. No, not "on the juice", as in the 'roid kind. Actual juice as in fruits + veggies. I tasted his apple/carrot/beet/spinach concoction this morning and it really was delish. Super fresh and natural. He informed me of the cleansing benefits and it does sound like a good idea; however I don't think I'd have enough energy to work out. He said I would because of all the nutrients but I'm still skeptical. I'm also hearing about this Master Cleanse lately but since I'm on a roll at the gym, I just don't know how all that would fit in. Maybe once I'm down under 200 I'll give it a shot. We'll see.

Completely unrelated, but can someone please tell me why I've heard GNR "Sweet Child O' Mine" twice now in the last 12 hours? I haven't heard that song in like 12 years. Maybe Axl's making a comeback. Word.

*Breaking News!* Edit:
I got the Boots job! And there is a nice-sized Ballys pretty close to the location I will be working at, too. Which means work > work out > steam room OR whirlpool. Yay for extra money!!!

192.8

2009-08-02T23:44:00.001-07:00

So I guess my first post got eaten somehow. And I'm posting on a different name because Blogger hates me sometimes. Okay, most of the time. My first post I THINK was 194.2, so this is an improvement. Starting yesterday, I've been forcing myself to eat smaller portions and also not eat after 6pm. I went for a short run/walk yesterday morning, as well, which was nice. I need to do that again. I might not be able to tomorrow since I'm up so late right now. We'll see. Let's do this, ladies!!!

Drunk Dieting?

2009-08-02T15:34:00.001-07:00

wtf!?

lol

Me... tipsy.

so apparently this weekend was all about the act of debauchery with drunkenness. i was drunk friday, drunk saturday and now i'm just plain drained. I expected the scale to say "you're fat from rum" but apparently i lost something. LOL

291.6 lbs people!!

and... i'm surprised because Aunt flow left this week and i thought i was at least the size of a house. regardless, i'm trying to be a good girl with my eating habits and decided to do something insane.

CLAUDIA!! i found the tapes you recommended on sale at Barnes & Nobargains the Sansone tapes so i bought one... if i like..i'll go buy the others and switch up the workout tapes every week to keep my body confused enough not to plateau. Because lets face it people, plateauing is a fat dieter's worst nightmare.

that and someone opening up a bbq restaurant in front of your house. :p

so i'll be doin that today. :D

mom moved the living room around with the help of my two besties out here which made me want to slightly strangle her but it looks sooo much better. mom knows her feng shui.

other than that.. no more drinking for a while. seriously. i'm kinda over it. today i woke up to a scary text message that has scared me away from drinking.

so i'm good. thanks LOL

Lazy weekends? Not this girl!

2009-08-02T14:15:00.001-07:00

First and foremost, the weigh in resulted in 211 even, a loss of 1.5 lbs. I went to the gym Mon, Wed and Thur and got some good workouts in, but it's also that time of the month and I know there's some lbs that are hanging on because of that reason. It's hard being a girl, dammit.

Friday I went to shadow a Boots Beauty Advisor @ the Ahwatukee (awwh Yas! wish you still lived there!) Target Store for the 2nd job I applied for. It's funny because I just recently started using their Expert line and am really pleased with it. About a month ago I was in Target and figured I would give it a shot because I couldn't afford to spend $100 to replace my fave Shiseido cleanser, toner & moisturizer. I think I spent a total of like $20 and got the foaming cleanser, toner, moisturizing serum, and gentle exfoliator. Very worth it! Anyway, hopefully I get the position at the Paradise Valley store, since that's pretty close to me. It's right across from PV mall, where I used to part-time @ Dillards Elizabeth Arden counter until I came close to hanging myself from a clothes rack because working for Dillards? Sucks. Anyway! Speaking of exfoliator, I did buy the Mint Julep scrub at Sally's and can I just say? WELL worth the $3.49, and used in conjuction with the mask I can barely see my pores. Which is saying a lot!

Later that day I began the daunting task of completely switching my 2 rooms around which took the rest of the day. One room is bigger than the other, and the office used to occupy the bigger room. The smaller room's window faces the mountain that I live right next to...not the best view. So now the bedroom is in the bigger room and I love it! Check it out:

Olive seems to like it, too:

Moving all that furniture was a workout in itself; the armoir, desk, bookcase, bed, dresser...etc. I was hella sore yesterday so I just ended up running a bunch of errands and not going to the gym. And then I cheated and had 2 McDonalds plain hamburgers (that I came home and put the special Burgerville sauce on that I brought from OR...omg if you haven't ever had a chance to try BV, I recommend going to Oregon or Washington immediately!), 6 mcnuggets and a diet coke. Was soooo good but soooo bad :( So last night I did some situps & pushups on the ball to try to offset the badness.

Today I've been in bed enjoying my "new" room and watching the Tori & Dean marathon. I have yet to switch the closets...that is gonna be a chore. Saving that for next weekend.

Lunch today was an albacore tuna sandwich with light mayo & lettuce, a WW string cheese, and fresh pineapple.

And with that, I'm off to the gym to burn some calories. So much for lazy Sundays.

1000

2009-07-30T23:01:00.001-07:00

by the way....

we hit the 1000 hit mark today.

YAY US!

fat-tastic

2009-07-30T22:52:00.000-07:00

so aunt flow is in town and as I usually like to use her as a wonderful excuse to pork out on everything remotely edible including the furniture, I've decided to hold myself accountable for everything I've shoved into my face.

Since sunday, I've gone into full craving force and have luckily avoided everything from ice cream to pure chocolate in pounds. I however have continued to live in the dining area of weinerschnitzel. this isn't good. but it has become my home. :(

I also have a damned bad habit of needing a late snack being deep fried.

regardless I have at least reduced the intake by a smidge.. yes I said smidge in the hopes to not ever get back up to the 300 lb mark again. I just don't think I could handle that.

so weigh in is sunday and i'm scared. I fear the gain. I hope its a loss but deep down.. I really fear the gain. I can't keep this up and think I need pro help. so as to looking for a new job, trying to pay off car tickets, needing to move out of my mother's house, and getting myself back on track with school,

its been hell.

i get no stress loss. i stress and gain.

so ...

pray for me.

or just call me and yell at me. LOL

here's to sunday's weigh in.

may we all be a lil lighter.

because i'm not buying bigger pants.

294.2 that be what i be weighin now..Arrrrrrrrr!!

2009-07-30T15:16:00.000-07:00

I was thinking of writing this entry in pirate dialogue, but then gave up thinking it would prove to difficult to do. Well I know that it has been a while since I have posted, but I usually need to be in a somewhat happy place to write anything and as of lately I have been pretty far from any sorta happy place.
As some of you know I have had to move back in with my mother and grandmother for a few different reasons, the biggest being that my grandma was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months back and I wanted to be there for help. As if that is something not difficult enough to deal with my uncle is down 'visiting' for what will turn out to be like a two month stay and we are sharing a room. He isn't an entirely bad person, he is just disgusting and happens to be a redneck. With that awesome redneck mentality, so other than having to deal with those two huge obstacles i have also been working a lot and trying to find a second job.
Why a second job you ask, well because I am just trying to kill what little bit of a life I have left. My eating has slowed down though, and stress is kicking in pretty much full force. Usually that calls for some nice unhealthy weight loss, so I guess that I have that too look forward to.
Not super sure when the next time I am going to be posting will be, but just remember that I am always posting in spirit. HAHA! Sorry just sounds hilarious to me. Keep up the good work my peeps and fight the good fight.

Oh snap. Busting my ass in the gym might be worth it, after all.

2009-07-29T09:55:00.000-07:00

Snuck a quick weigh in this morning...209.4. Suh. Weet. Will update this post later tonight!

...and holding.

2009-07-26T18:46:00.000-07:00

So this weekend I was out and about quite a bit even though it was hot as shit out. Right now I need to be cleaning the house as that's usually my sunday ritual but instead I'm lounging watching How Stella Got Her Groove Back and twalking (twitter stalking). I need to get my ass up.

I went to the gym yesterday and today. Didn't do too bad on my eating either. I am dying for something sweet though. But I won't cave. This morning I weighed in at 212 exactly. But Saturday was the first time back in the gym since last weekend so I'm not surprised. Next week should be better.

Damn Taye Diggs is talkin bout snickers, oreos, and cocoa puffs on tv. Bout to turn this shit off! Turning on Pandora, flipping on the surround sound, and gonna get my clean on. Good luck with the scales guys :) Luff ya's.

WEIGH IN!!! :p yay

2009-07-26T18:28:00.000-07:00

so i sneaked a weigh in 2 days ago in which i weighed 291. woot!!

but today i weighed in at 292 lbs exactly. so i lost .2 lbs. LOL

hey maintain is better than a gain. the closer i get to aunt flow... the more i crave. i fear it. LOL

i may go nuts one day and end up eating the ottoman.

and then what will we do!? the furniture won't match!!

good job friday

2009-07-25T00:04:00.000-07:00

today ... for a freakin change i did good.

its been tough lately. i crave fast food like crack when i get closer to my period. i become kinda food psycho.

i had 3 eggs for breakfast. yes 3 get off my ass. but thats all.

i had a bowl of albondigas soup which my grandma and i made together which is fantastic because its sooo not that fattening. we don't add oil. just veggies and hand made meatballs. :D sooo good.

but i ate 2 slices of bread to go with it.

then before i jammed to work, i decided to eat dinner so i had a turkey sandwich with ranchero queso and mustard and a tiny bowl of leftover rice. i then went to work.. and came home had a lil ice cream and nothin else!!

here's the kicker ... its taking everything i got to not sneak out into the living room and raid the fridge. :(

sunday is weigh in day and i'm scared. but we will see!

And the scale remains unchanged.

2009-07-24T22:21:00.000-07:00

I suppose I could look at this half full or half empty. I'm gonna go with half full. Simply because yesterday was my bday and, while it was not a particularly healthy-eating type of day, um hello? It was my birth. day. thankyouverymuch. So, here's a recap.

1)Lunch: Pei Wei. My girl D suprised me by bringing my girl K and we had a fabulous time eating orange peel chicken, lettuce wraps, and pad thai and catching up.

2)Upon my return from lunch, an ENTIRE banana creme pie from Coco's had appeared on my desk. While I appreciated the gesture, I made damn sure that everyone met me in the conference room to partake. I had one piece and took the one that was left over home (which was supposed to be for the bf. I'll get to that in a minute.)

3)Dinner with my ♥. He took me to Oscar Taylor for some wine + spoken word and to see Kevin Sandbloom perform, who was amazing, btw. I indulged in 3 glasses of Cabernet and some bomb ass soul food in the form of catfish nuggets, salmon, sweet corn and mac and cheese.

All in all, a super birthday. Today I had a footlong roasted chicken breast sub with veggies and lite mayo (no cheese) and bbq baked Lays from Subway. Snacked on some watermelon and cherries. Good right? Yeah until dinner, when I made mashed potatoes and corn and was too lazy to cook the chicken. And then. Then I had the stupid extra piece of pie I'd forgotten to take to the bf because you know, it's banana creme and the stupid bananas would go bad if it sat in the fridge for too long. Bad. BUT at least it's out of the house now. Ha.

Today I got my linen closet cleaned out so I did accomplish something. Tomorrow is the gym and at some point this weekend I need to do laundry and clean the floors. Ugh. Floors = least favorite chore.

Gonna try to have a good weigh in on Sunday. Be there or be square ya'll.

videos...

2009-07-21T13:00:00.001-07:00

so my pal Claudia mentioned in a comment about Leslie Sansone.She's created some very interesting videos about walking in your house, indoors. she's also created vids on yoga, pilates.. so on! well... i want one. :p

but i've done the vid thing before!!

Taebo... which had me dying and begging for air after 15 minutes of that tape...

Veena & Neena Belly Dancing... thank you to my sister D for giving me this tape on vhs. ;p which i did and loved and lost not a pound. and when those tapes were made... both twins had a heavy poooch for a tummy but they rest of them were extremely skinny. now.. apparently they were told that was unbecomming. lol so its gone. but i liked the pooch.

Richard simmons DISCO SWEAT!! .. which actually was my mom's but when i was in high school i stole it. LOL she never used it!! and it kicked my ass! but i never lost a pound on it either.

so what have you tried????

Any loss is a good loss!

2009-07-20T10:30:00.000-07:00

292 bitches!!! thats right!

i lost 3.3 lbs!

and i gorged on weinerschnitzel and del taco! which means if i can only stop doin stupid shit like that, i might lose more!

which only makes me a lil sad.

but a loss is a loss. and i'm happy!!!

so there ya go!

this morning i had a waffle (yay eggo!) and a cup of milk. its getting hotter than hell out here and i hate going out in the day. but thats that. i'll have to do it to survive. :D

i also want to figure out a way to start walking and jogging. i'm too scared to do it in the dark in my neighborhood and its too hot during daylight. :( i dunno what to do.

Calorie intake throwback.

2009-07-19T19:42:00.000-07:00

I remember back in the day when, in order to diet, my mom would count calories. Not fat grams, not carbs, not fiber. Calories. And while I've always known that calories are important, it seems like we're so inundated these days with what's healthy and what's supposedly not that I've become confused. I realized this when I just logged my calories for the day. I didn't think I did that bad today. Woke up late so breakfast was out the window (which I know isn't good). Lunch was basmati rice, frozen veggies, and a chicken breast cooked in olive oil. Dinner was two Jennie-O turkey hot dogs with wheat bread for buns + ketchup & mustard. Snacks were watermelon and cherries and whole grain goldfish. Oh and a couple otter pops (love those!) which are 25 cal each. Sooooo how did I get to 2056 calories?

My point is that while I try to shop healthy, all those "healthy" foods' calories add up. Which sort of defeats my purpose. Today I was thinking, hey I did pretty good. Rice + Chicken, turkey hot dogs + wheat bread, fruit + veggies. Yes all that might be healthier than having ordered a Hawaiian pizza from Papa Johns (which I'm still fighting myself not to do), but I'm still not losing any weight from it.

So, calories it is. I'm not really going to stress myself out over the rest of it.

Anyway, I weighed myself this morning and i'm back at 212.5. I haven't been to the gym, though, either. It's so effing hot here. Not that I'm trying to make excuses, but 115 degree weather really kills the desire to leave the house. So...looks like the 10 lb goal by my bday isn't happening, seeing as that's Thursday...LOL. But it's okay, I'm not gonna beat myself up over it. Onward and Upward people!

We shall see how this lil calorie project goes.

derweinershitijustatethat?

2009-07-18T23:46:00.000-07:00

ready?

2 chili cheese dogs

1 chili cheese burger

1 chili cheese fries.

yeah no shit.

i'm gonna die.

i need help.

saw a fat girl movie on lifetime channel about a young girl who dresses in a fat suit to find out some such nonsense and the real fat girl looked at the fake fat girl and said "you know its hard. you can walk away from alcohol, drugs, whatever. but you can't live without food."

how do you survive if you can't live without the very thing you're addicted to?

Justify your love......and some french fries

2009-07-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

So seeing as we are all fessing up here, I'm currently eating some french fries and a chicken burrito. Does that seem fattening to you? That's because it is. I lost close to 20 pounds and am now furiously trying to put it back on.

I think we all know why.......psst! *whispers* Here's the part where I make some lame excuses to justify it to myself!

..........................Wait, no I'm not! I refuse to make excuses for myself! I'm horrible for breaking my diet! *smacks self across face* BAD! Don't do it again! If anyone thinks this this exchange has been unusual take a look at what you justify to yourself, and then.................sit down and have a conversation with yourself, you might be surprised by what you have to say.

ghost town

2009-07-17T14:27:00.000-07:00

apparently we've all forgotten what lardasses we are. or we've suddenly all accepted our fat selves because this place has become a ghost town

well i don't know about the rest of you, but i'm not giving up. Not a chance.

let me remind you what i look like. Yeah. thats my head. I'd never noticed that my head is perfectly freakin round before. have you? probably not.

or maybe you have and just never wanted to break the news to me that my head is the size of a seedless (they are the round ones right?) watermelon!

well I don't know about you but thats completely unacceptable.

I heart the inside me.
I truly do. I love the fact that i am who i am regardless of what others want or expect of me. I love me even when i open my mouth and embarrass others. i love me even when i have to be the bitch of the family/group. i love my strength and i love my weakness.

but i don't love my fat.

not one bit.

i'm tired of people telling me shit like "its whats on the inside that counts."

well guess what!?! because of the life i was raised into and have continued to live as an adult, my insides are coated in a massive layer of lard.

yeah.

so there ya have it. i'm not letting this blog die even if i'm the last one posting.

because i dont want to die a fat girl and end up having to buy one of the fat people coffins.

abuelita's food

2009-07-15T13:17:00.000-07:00

my abuela and I are sitting in the living room talking about old epic biblical films and eating only what you need. not what you want. she told me about how she cooked with so much fresh veggies. not produced pasturized freaking preservative induced canned food.

it got me to thinking.. i wonder how hard it is to plant a little garden... tomatoes, cucumbers, squash, carrots, maybe plant a grape vine... or something. i dont know... i want a garden.

and a pomagranate tree.

never

2009-07-13T19:34:00.000-07:00

thought I'd say it...

but I think I had too much menudo tonight. :(

a Bailar - Menudo
No.. not that menudo... hehehe

yeah. thats what I had for dinner. an entire can of menudo. with lemon. and tortillas.

but its not like I've been goin nuts like that lately. I feel the need to work out (really just walk) but fear my own neighborhood alone. :(

what to do what to do... buy a treadmill. LOL

so apparently alot of us are doing really well!!! i'm proud of us all. its good to keep up and face who we are not just inside.. but outside too.

because no matter how much we want to listen to that bullshit about the inside is what counts... we all know that the outside is just as important to be happy with. :)

so lets be happy. I don't know about you, but I wanna get happy.

2009-07-13T18:37:00.001-07:00

275.4 lbs.

Amazing, isn't it?

Today I went over to a friend's house. She was getting rid of a bunch of clothes that didn't fit her anymore. She had a few dresses and what not so I thought what the heck, I'll try some on, it will probably be fun dress up time. So there was one dress in particular I liked. It's a little spaghetti strap sundress with a ruffle at the bottom in a flowery brocade-type print. Well, let me tell you folks, I put that sucker on zipped it up and, what do you know? It fit! That's when she told me the dress I was wearing is a size 18. Outside I acted cool and dismissed it as oh whatever, inside I was like "AN 18!!!!! I FIT INTO AN 18 AGAIN!!!!!!! THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING DAY EVER!!!!!!!"

It felt like maybe I had achieved something which is why I thought I'd give myself a little treat.............that's right folks............I'm cutting my hair. I have to be honest I have been wanting too cut it for a while. When I started this weight loss adventure I decided, in order to make myself lose the pounds, I would have to start bribing myself to lose the weight. Be kind of tricky and sly. So I started telling myself things like no more haircuts until (insert goal here). I can't buy another pair of shoes until (insert another goal here). I have to say, it has worked out amazingly well. Some people might tell you this mindset is bad for you, depriving yourself of things until you reach a goal. And to that I say "So what?" I'm down 2 sizes and I have lost close to 20 pounds in the last few months. I tried a bunch of other things to get myself active and eating right and if I have to bribe myself with ridiculous luxuries (like a MAC eyeshadow color) then I will, because..........IT WORKS!

That's what it's all about folks. Every person is different. You all have different goals, different paths, different bodies. So when you come to a conclusion that you need to get off your ass and do something, about anything, the most important thing you should ask yourself is HOW. Because that is the hurdle we have to leap over folks. And trust me when I say me leaping over a hurdle looks like you put Homer Simpson in the Olympics, but if I got over the damn thing, who cares how I did it?

5 lbs

2009-07-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

weigh in ladies... and gents. and cats. :p

i weighed in this morning and it turns out i'm now

295.3 lbs.

i'm 5 lbs lighter.

don't ask how it happened. it just did. LOL

i've been eating alot of meals with my abuelita and she eats soooo little. i mean i was like "how do you do this!?"

and she told me flat out that she can't handle eating all the things she wants to. after it made her sick over and over and over again.... she was done with it. so she eats what she can and thats it.

so i guess its amazing how you just adapt to your life with your eating habits. so thats what i'm doing. i'm adapting to my life.

what about you?

i will say this much... god i miss sweet tomatoes.

gimme my chips back!!

2009-07-08T14:11:00.001-07:00

So lately i've not even remembered what i've stuffed into my mouth. with that said, today I pulled out the archer farms kettle cooked chips (can someone tell me whether thats baked or fried?) and the dip and after a few bites.. my mom chimes in

"I WANT SOME!!"

okay.. here's the deal. I hate it when every time i pull out something i want to just enjoy in peace.. someone's gotta chime in with "can i have some?" and i gotta look like an ass saying "get it yourself." or not say anything at all and just hand it over. damnit.

but then i thought about it...

thanks mom for being the original phattie in my family. sure you can have the whole freakin bag. eat em up honey. let that ass grow a lil more till you can't reach your toes. oh.. wait.. too late!

thanks for raising me to have no control mom!

yay ...

i'm having a rough morning. can you tell?

i then made myself a nice healthy sammich with lettuce pickles mustard and turkey. :)

i don't really hate my mom. i just have no patience for her anymore.

Belated weigh-in.

2009-07-06T14:52:00.000-07:00

Hi guys.

Yesterday morning I was @ 210.4 (-2 lbs almost). Ok I suppose. I worked out Sun, Mon, Tue, Thur & Fri though last week so I feel like I should be less. Wtf. I'm thinking it might have had something to do with 4th of July food. Even though I didn't eat that much of it, I still had bbq turkey, mac & cheese, potato salad, bbq beans, and some badass banana pudding. Oh and about 5 grey goose & fresh-squeezed lemonades :) I totally worked it off that night though! ahahahahaaahha. It was a good day.

I just went and bought lunch stuff for the week to keep at work so I don't have to: 1) go out and submit myself to 150 degree weather; or 2) face fast food temptations. Got a bag of romaine lettuce, veggies, lite poppyseed dressing, 5 lean cuisines, whole wheat goldfish crackers, lil jellos, lite whipped cream, and 2 boxes of 90 cal granola bars. Spent $32. Not too bad for lunch all week.

Listening to Maxwell. Can't wait for his new CD to drop tomorrow.

Okay, I'm going back to work now. Need to get off ~~the internet~~ twitter. (Follow me!)

2009-07-06T09:53:00.000-07:00

278.9 lbs.

I'm currently drinking Slim fast for breakfast and passing up the urge for the 4 bags of chips sitting on the counter left over from the fourth.

ARGH! I'm going walking tonight.

Thaat is all at the moment, I am urged to bet my butt going!

WEIGH IN B*TCHES!

2009-07-05T17:54:00.000-07:00

okay so lets just get down to it.
ever since i was sick, i just kinda fell off the bandwagon with my lack of caring or even paying attention.

300.8 lbs.

i don't even know what to say.

Love in a little cup.

2009-07-01T13:16:00.001-07:00

All I can say is....SO worth the 110 calories. I bought these last night and they are my new favorite snack! Litehouse is def on my happy list. I wrote about their lite sesame ginger dressing awhile back. Yum!

Aside from that, I been doing good! Been to the gym everyday since Saturday and been eating good too. I found that if I eat around 4pm @ work, I won't be dragging so much that I'm dying to get home and eat. I have enough energy to work out and then just have a snack when I get home. Get home around 8:30 or so, take a shower, have a snack (loving the Trop 50 Lite OJ + 1 scoop of natural protein powder for that) and watch TV. By then I'm so beat down tired I fall asleep and ta-da, 8 hours of sleep! Go me! haha...

All that said, these people I work with just LOVE to cook and bake! And bring doughnuts! And order pies from the Coco's next door! Sweet baby jesus please help ya girl out...I am NOT that strong!!!! How are you all doing? Worried about the 4th of July weekend at all?

okay.

2009-06-29T13:20:00.001-07:00

well slap my face and call me nancy!

I have no idea where that came from, but I do know this...

I am apparently the micro yoyoer.

back to 301.2 lbs.

shit.

yesterday was rough because half of my family converged on mom's house all at once to help get my grandma moved in. my grandpa even showed up to sit in front of the tv and watch the history channel. :)

I stressed. and didn't really eat that much. but the problem is with this sickness I've had, movement has been limited. so.. I've basically been sitting on my fat ass doing nothing.

alot.

a whole lotta nothin.

yeah.

So there's where I stand.

So as s_dot called me out on, Its time to get my ass back on the fatwagon and start losing again. tomorrow.

Today, its just me and my grandma and I'm tryin to make her as comfy as possible. I think she's become a champ at using the remote. :p

other than that...

we relax. tomorrow... however, its ass kickin day. or some such nonsense. ;p

Gay Wolverine!!! WTF?!?!

2009-06-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

Aye aye aye!! There has been so much damn stuff going on lately that I haven't been respecting my Eating less plan. The other day I had two that's right two fucking bacon cheeseburgers, and lord almighty were they ever so delicious!! Plus french fries!! YIKES!!!! I am avoiding weigh in like the black plague, maybe I'll do it tomorrow. There has just been so much shit to deal with that I have been thinking of investing in a pair of galoshes, to avoid it getting my cute shoes dirty. Plus, what the fuck is up with my hair right now!!! I know some of you ladies have seen this but this shit is getting outta hand!! I look like Wolverine's fat gay brother! Eh, whatever hopefully my stylist can fix that for me on Wednesday, we'll see. To top everything off this friend drama has me so depressed I can barely even see straight! Well i look forward to hearing from you lovelies. Take care.

Gross, but delicious!

2009-06-29T10:06:00.001-07:00

281.6 lbs. And now I'm gonna talk about some gross stuff that has been running through my mind while I try to lose weight.

Gross thing number 1:
I have been frequenting the site thisiswhyyourefat.com. It shows pictures of foods that should just be outlawed, they look disgusting, and sound disgusting, but honestly? I think to myself everytime I look at it, what I wouldn't give for some deep fried mac and cheese.

Gross thing number 2:
Yesterday I had a bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich. More commonly known as a BLT. Yes not really healthy I know. I kind of feel sick about it now. But when I bit into it for the first time I savored sucking the greasy bacon juices out of each bite of that sandwich.

Gross thing number 3:
The guys at work ordered a bunch of Papa John's the other day. And while I thought it sounded good, when it finally got there the smell made me want to vomit. And since it was lunch, and it was pizza I kept forcing the piece into my mouth and down my throat, all the while trying hard not to smell it, just because it was pizza.

Gross thing number 4:
My friends and I joke about belonging to the International Butter Club (it's from the movie Bride Wars). However the other day I thought back to the stories my parents used to tell of how when I was a younger (and far thinner) girl, I used to eat sticks of butter. I guess I truly do love butter. And when the joke was made yesterday I thought back to all the times I piled butter onto something and my mouth watered a bit.

I am posting all these disgusting things I think about and do to let you all know that everyone has these little problems when losing weight. And you know what? Don't be ashamed of them! Realize that, yes, you might have a problem with loving butter to the point of actually wanting to join the International Butter Club, but that doesn't mean you have to give in. And sometimes the temptation is overwhelming, believe me I am well aware of the emotional upset frantically scouring for anything with chocolate in it. But you can overcome. Not always, but baby steps here people, baby steps. Rome wasn't built in a day, hell nothing was built in a day.

Show me something that was built in a day and I'll show you shoddy craftmanship. And we all know that doesn't last. And we are trying to last here, for a good long time.

family fun

2009-06-28T22:17:00.000-07:00

My grandmother moved in here and I really don't have the time patience or alertness to recite the day but I will say this...

Menudo.

Juan Pollo Chicken.

Venti Chai Latte w/ 2 (count em 2!!) shots of vanilla.

yeah. then more juan pollo.

I weighed in tonight. i won't acknowledge it.

I'll weigh in tomorrow morning when I'm not wanting to strangle someone and am much calmer.

and less full of food.

nite.

oh.. and S.

I'm so proud of you .

Reality check!

2009-06-28T13:29:00.001-07:00

Ok so, I just had to remind Yas to weigh in. LOL! That will never happen again, I'm sure.

I weighed myself yesterday and today, both a consistent 212. But I'm not going to dwell on that, because I've done made a mini-goal for myself. I want to be 13 lbs lighter by my bday, which is slightly less than 1 month from today.

In the words of P Diddy on Twitter: lets goooooooooooooooooo!!

I'm off to Hi-Health, then Bally's, then possibly a pool somewhere. Don't leave me hanging ya'll :)

Bored.

2009-06-27T20:15:00.000-07:00

Posting again. Either I'm in a writing mood or I'm just sincerely bored. I still don't know what to do with myself and these 3-day weekends. I have all of tonight and a whole day left. And next week is a 4-day weekend because of the 4th of July holiday. I would so be in Portland if I had money for a plane ticket. Yas, you up for some company? I might need a road trip. lol...

Anyway. Today I didn't do too bad, a couple SmartOnes from WW (lunch & dinner...a lot of sodium for one day, I know), salad, some veggies & fruit. Trying not to go get a milkshake from Jack in the Box! I will not!

By the way? Eff you Audrina Patrige for eating that Carl's Jr. burger in your barely-there bikini on the beach in that commercial. I even kinda liked you on the Hills and stuck up for you when your loser bf with 2 names or whatever would treat you like crap. Forget you.

Hey I did get one thing done today. Bella got a much needed bath. She hated me and it took her like 2 hours to lick herself dry, but it was worth it. She's all shiny and soft now.

Ok I'm getting off here...tv calls. Tootles.

Ok, I'm ready.

2009-06-26T21:07:00.000-07:00

Hi.

I think I'm ready. I'm smiling right now. I love my job, I have my degree, he and I are slowly spending more time. Re-remembering love is really all we have and if it's meant to be, it truly will be.

I am in a realization phase right now, on this next level. So glad to be back here, at happy. It's been awhile.

I even blogged after over 2 years. If you're so inclined, read my blog.

Yas, I'll weigh in on Sunday.

:)

sickness and the dieter..

2009-06-25T11:37:00.000-07:00

doesn't exist. lets face this fact right now.

When any of us are super sick, we can barely pay attention to where we are coughing let alone what we are shoving in our mouths. especially if we are also throwing it back up again.

now you'd think with that last comment, there would be a weight loss situation. however wrong it might be.

WRONG.

yesterday the doc weighed me in at 306.somethingorother (yet this was dr mikes's walk in 24 hour clinic... which used a baby thermometer on me because their good one was stolen.. yeah i know.)

today i weigh in at 297.6 which is a marginal gain.

i just literally stopped and ran to the bathroom to weigh myself just for this post since its been forever and a day. i got sick, (typical for me) and then disappeared off the face of the earth. turns out, i have an infection somewhere in between my throat and my chest. WHAA?? yeah. once again.. dr mike's walk in 24 hour clinic. :P

but they gave me meds..

and then..
strangely enough...

talked to me about Alli. if you guys don't know what this is.. its a diet pill. but one side effect is... ANAL LEAKAGE!!!

can i say that any louder??

ANAL LEAKAGE!!!!

anyway... she (the nurse practitioner with the island accent) told me that she was tired of being fat so she, who had prescribed it for years, finally went and bought it herself. she said the leakage is from the bad food you eat. You learn not to eat bread and fried foods and fatty foods because they cause the leakage. and you wear an extra long pad just in case. she spoke like it was no big deal. I sat there.... staring at her.. and then she said the magic word. so far, within 4 months, she's lost 20 lbs.

hmmm.. so is it worth it?

is a lil butt slippage worth the weight loss and life style change (forced on you by the butt slippage!)???

i leave it up to you.

for me.. no.

poo scares me. even my own.

and i have no idea why my font went all crazy after i typed in ANAL LEAKAGE!!! lol

Dunkin Dying....

2009-06-25T11:24:00.000-07:00

I've committed a crime.... Ahwatukee opened up their first Dunkin Donuts....and I was there at 8am, and bought a sausage sandwich and a dozen donuts.....Ive eatin 4 with milk and coffee... YUM...

Dieting suicide.

opps.

sick and tired of being sick and tired.

2009-06-18T23:30:00.000-07:00

again.

So apparently, I've cought a cold. :( or the flu. last time I survived okay but this time I feel like a freakin walking zombie.

so lets see... eating wise i've been bad all around but today I lifted my weight in five gallon paint buckets and ran around tryin to stay awake so I wouldn't pass out. I honestly don't remember eating anytihng at the house, but I did have In N Out for lunch because I am a glutton for punishment.

then I came home, made steamed rice and steamed veggies and poured cream of celery (low fat) over everytihng (not too much) and it was fantastic. now I'm beat down tired and have to get up early. :(

yay.

not.

I feel like sh*t.

asstastic.

damnit.

:(

however i did discover that my mother had a tea strainer so I opened the jar of Jasmine tea I got from my sister and started making hot tea. Oh my god does it make me feel like a thousand times better.

okay. bedtime.

nite.

next time...

running.

to be prequalled with ...

walking. HAH

ummm...yeah.

2009-06-18T11:41:00.000-07:00

Well today I had breakfast, the worst breakfast ever! Left over carrot cake from a besties birthday. My fat kid rationalization is as follows: sure its cake but there are still vegetables inside. Good job me! Well I am gonna start getting serious about this from this point on. No more fast food, a California Burrito was the last of my fast foof intake. Pretty good farewell if you ask me though. delicious carne asada, wuth cheese, frenc fries, pico de gallo, and add sour cream. Mmmmm, heart attack I choose you!! It's about time to start getting ready for work, so peace out ladies. Stay strong fight the fat!!

..........SWINE FLU!?

2009-06-17T21:36:00.000-07:00

I'm super sick, it's going around. On the upside, I feel like eating a lot less, however unhealthy it is it's given me a bright attitude while I stumble through my days in a flu medicine haze. And I have to admit to you guys, my birthday was this last weekend, so I'm ashamed to admit that I ate cake and fattening foods, all in the name of turning 26. How sad.

However.............

I did get running shoes for my birthday, which I love. Fila is, in my opinion, the maker of the most comfortable shoes for running ever, and I've had my share, believe me. So now I have the equipment, but do I have the drive? Find out on the next thrilling episode of Underdog!

I had a birthday.........cake

2009-06-15T08:46:00.000-07:00

Wow...........283.1lbs. So I think to myself, self, since you gained a birthday cake (birthday was saturday) maybe you should start running. I thought that myself had a good idea. I used to run stadiums when I was in school. I used to be really in shape. All that went out the window pretty quick after I starting rationalizing things.

TODAY IS THE DAY............to stop making excuses and do it. I'm sure I could rationalize the pounds I've put on as being birthday weight or a stressful weight, but that would be enabling myself to be even more unhealthy, and that has to stop. I have to stop making excuses and rationalizing things. You know I used to rationalize those candied apple things from Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. Try aand imagine me standing in line saying to myself, "Well it's fine if I have an apple covered in caramel, white chocolate, peanut butter, drizzled with marshmellow cream and sprinkled with butterscotch chips." And why was it ok? Because it was an apple, and that's healthy.

That's bullshit is what it is. So no more, change your life guys by changing how you talk to your self. Be firm but fair, your inner self is your inner child, and it is whiny and loud.

weigh im #1

2009-06-14T20:48:00.000-07:00

So I'm not sure if its stress or if its actually me losing a little from eating less. Probably stress though. Well as of this morning I weighed in at 289.7!!! Thats a 9 pound loss, last time I weighed myself I was 298. At least stress is good for something! Ha Ha! Well we'll see how it goes after I move back home, maybe it will more stressful and by this time next year I can start my drag career as Britney Queers! HAHA!!! Sorry I am in a weird mood right now. Well luck to my ladies! Love you all, even those of you I dont know.

WEIGH IN B*TCHES!!!

2009-06-14T11:08:00.000-07:00

its weigh in ladies and gents! some of you may not care about your body, mind, weight whatever. But I do. I can't live in the prison that is my fat ass.

sooo.

weigh in.

my scale is nutty. I had to do the average today to get a weight because my scale gave me three totally different weights.

today's weight:

295.3

I lost .5 lbs.

this may have to do with the fact that last night i had a few drinks then ate a Jack's spicy chicken sammich (no mayo) at like 1am. oops. i was 292 yesterday. LOL amazing how that changes huh.

I almost wish weigh in was yesterday. but I gotta own up to my idiocies. thats what I get for eating like ... well like a puerquita.

so yeah. a lil self control would be nice.

at least I did just a lil better than maintaining.

NOW IF I COULD ONLY GET THE OTHERS TO FREAKIN WEIGH IN!!!

Lunchtastic

2009-06-12T12:54:00.000-07:00

So apparently I can't ever get up early enough to eat a freakin breakfast. I even went to bed early last night. :p well ... early for me.

I got up, crocheted a soft silvery grey flower, and heated up the baked chicken mom made last night. There were two chicken breasts and I only had one. :p i also made black beans.

just so you know... canned black beans is sooo incredibly healthy for you. no joke!! there is soo much fiber in one serving of blackbeans, you'll be a happy camper.

so i added cheese... which 1/4 cup of cheese is 3 pts while half a cup of black beans is 1 point. funny how that works huh.

so 4 points for the black beans and cheese (i dont think i had a full 1/4 cup but it was just dusted on so i will count it as one serving).

apparently one chicken breast meat only no skin cooked or baked is 2 points thank you calorie lab (see healthy links list on side) so yay for that!

so i ate... 6 points. :) i might just go back for a second helping and make it 12 as my mid day meal.

that leaves me 16 for dinner and snack. :)

so YAY for black beans. :p

damnit

2009-06-11T22:49:00.001-07:00

damned del taco.

thats what i had for dinner.

i was tired. beat to hell at work.

:(

oops

2009-06-11T14:44:00.001-07:00

Alright here I was trying for a picture of my hair, I curled it and pulled it back some, I sort of like it.
Here I tried to get a look of my makeup that wasn't weird. I hope I succeeded.

Ok so I wanted to try out some new looks to go along with my new attitude. I'd like to hear thoughts or maybe suggestions. I'll post this one now and one later on tonight. Thanks!

not so hot

2009-06-11T10:44:00.000-07:00

So I'm not feeling so hot today. It's 10:45am and I haven't had breakfast. I haven't had any compunction to eat. Most of you would say "FANTASTIC!" but in reality, not eating is worse than over eating because your body flips out and starts to store every drop of fat it can get its glands on. I can't be having that. And the sad part is, for fat people, this happens very fast. I can't make this a habit.

I'm going to try to eat lunch before I catch the bus for work and try to put on a happy face.

Last night was good. Mom made dinner and I'm so proud of her. She baked chicken breasts, no oil no nothing. just spices. She did however make Fideo which is sopa... a mexican pasta style situation which is good but I only had one helping.

I didn't go back for seconds which meant I could have a lil cup of low fat sugar free ice cream. The stuff's pretty damned good for diet food which is dangerous because my mind will convince me that I can eat truckloads without worry when that is not the case. Ice Cream is the devil regardless to its diet substitutes.

I've been keeping myself busy by crocheting flowers. yea a lil pathetic. even mom says I need to get out. but I'm kinda over getting out. the sad little hermit in me doesn't want to deal with the drama that comes with stepping out of the house.

these are all things I have to work on as I lose the weight. Nothing would suck more than being a thin chick with severe ugly duckling syndrome. thats just not good.

so no cheeriness from me today. sorry. I'm just not feeling happy.

hope your day goes well.

The Urge for Splurge

2009-06-10T20:49:00.000-07:00

Today I have never wanted ice cream so badly in my life. Honestly I wanted to stuff my face and never stop. There's a carton of vanilla in the freezer right now, I could just go get a spoon and feed my face..............but I won't.

Whenever I think I NEED ice cream or chocolate I always do the "butt check". When I feel the urge I put my hands on my butt, one on each check, and if it's more than my hand can handle I feel the urge pass me by. But then I find myself hungry and without anything to eat. So I have found three substitutes for myself. First is a banana, filling and not to much prep work goes into eating a banana, which I love because I'm lazy. The second is an orange, if I need the sweets an orange is what I'll have, it's sweet and better for me than a fistful of smartees. The third is, if I absolutely can not live without spooning things into my face, I get one of those single serving puddings or jellos. Sixty calories isn't that much, I can eat it with a spoon, and it tricks me into thinking I've had something unhealthy and horrible for myself. Let me know if any of these helped you out. Bye for now!

ethnic enough?

2009-06-10T11:15:00.000-07:00

so after work mom went to visit a friend of hers and came home with home made phillipino food. rice pudding cake ooohhh yeah and this strange dumpling cake thing stuffed with meat. seriously.

Hey! i'll try anything once.

that damned dumpling was sooo good.. i have no idea the count but i had half of one this morning and i dont care! LOL

Yesterday was a rough day and i'm determined to have a better one today. i'm feelin honery today so watch out peoples!

yas is on the warpath!

for jessica

2009-06-09T17:32:00.000-07:00

she's my hair guru. ;p

afternoon crapulance

2009-06-09T16:34:00.001-07:00

good times on the homefront.

i have no idea how i'm going to afford school. i found this out after standing in every line at the front office of my local CC. yay.

i blew my diet like a land mine today with two amazingly good burritos full of god know's what at baja taco today.

yeah two. :(

i'm stuck hanging shelves by my self right now.

and...

the camera on my cell phone is broken for reasons unknown. :(

i want to cry. its hands down going to be a rough night.

i'm over this.

i want to bury my face in a bowl of bbq chips but i know i cant.

and that only makes me feel worse because my depression cure/comfort is gone. i can't eat to make everything okay anymore and that makes everything sooo not okay.

so...

rough day for the yas.
wish me a better one tomorrow.

morning weirdness

2009-06-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

I crashed out last night at 1:30 am expecting to wake up at 9:30am (thats 8 freakin hours people!) and didn't end up getting out of bed until 10am. :(

I have no idea whats going on with me but I just felt completely worn out. So this morning I started with a bowl of Special K (with strawberries) which I couldn't even finish. I"m just not feelin so hot. :(

i'm gonna try to eat some Juan Pollo (lil fact for ya.. the recipe for juan pollo chicken was created so as to not add any oils or fats... how fantastic is that) for lunch and hope i don't get sick. :(

i hope nothin's wrong with me...

HAHA @ 8:23 into the video... :p

"Oh i know.. Mono was like the best diet I ever got" HAHA

i forget about this thing...

2009-06-08T11:04:00.000-07:00

Just got Yas' text- i totally forget about this thing. Anyways..I'm still recovering from San Fran... either from sleep or the budget that i blew like there is no tomorrow..sucks when you have no money , but in a way its a good thing... no fast food! but also no smokes....which makes me sad. Because i do enjoy smoking my Marlboro Menthol Lights, just in case anyone would like to buy me a pack :) lol.

Here's the thing, I stop smoking i gain lots of weight. I smoke, i stay lean and end my life faster... i lose both ways here.
no fun.

but, all in all i did the weigh in thing, I'm 124 and change. I started walking with my pops last week and now that hes gone, i can get to my running.. i did for the first time yesterday in like 4 months i thought i was going to die.
But i felt SO good afterwards. Now I know, its going to be a challenge but its worth it. I cant wait to burn the tankini and get to the bikini. that's my goal.
Also to wear tights shorts and jeans and not have to worry about the occasional muffin top, i hate love handles... i find it disgusting, yet my hottie that I'm currently..."dating" likes it. No thanks i told him.

Anyways... i started a blog just to vent and kind of get things off my mind, by the way my Name is Jen-- go check out my blog i think you can just click on my name... and give me some feed back on my latest blog i need some advice, thanks!

Weigh in babydolls!

2009-06-08T08:12:00.000-07:00

So I just weighed myself............281.6 lb...............................

So I have given up chips, and ordering dessert at restuarants, and everything else that can add to that weight. I have also decided that I should take up dance again, I lost a lot of weight when I was in dance and I liked it a lot. I think that's key to trying to stay fit. If you hate exercising then you aren't going to do it. Finding something you like to do everyday makes it a little easier I think.

Also..........I think now's the time I swear off chinese food. I love it so much but it's not healthy for me at all. *sniff sniff* I'll miss you orange chicken!!!!!!

Aww....crap!

2009-06-08T01:09:00.001-07:00

So I totally forgot weigh in was today/yesterday! Sorry guys!! For some reason my brain is stuck on thinking its on Monday! I have been super bad this weekend though, so maybe I should wait. Nah I'll weigh in tomorrow, just means I'll have to hunt down the scale. Hmmmm.... where could it be?

Anyways, this weekend was a bad one for me, I did what all of us lovelies do and ate my emotions. Saturday was the wedding of a long time friend, so I got to see a lot of people that i haven't seen in years. It was really nice except for the fact that it kinda made me hate my life, they have accomplished so very much. One of them is getting a completely free ride to go to Syracuse for her doctrate in English. God, I wish that were me.

So, when it came down to dinner I ate way too much, i had some pasta salad (less than a scoop), a chicken breast (which I ate less than half of), the mystery fish dish (also only half), and two pieces of prime rib (with the hottest fucking horseradish sauce ever, made my eyes water). Needless to say that was bad.

Today I had fast foot twice! Thinking about it almost makes me gasp in horror, the first trip was Jack-in-the-Box which was a bad one. Chicken strips, Mini-Buffalo chicken ranch burgers (ate two), and a Dr. Pepper (nectar of the obese Gods). The second trip was to Arby's, it wasn't my choice, but oh well. Here I got a Chicken Cordon-Bleu (because I love more than one animal on my sandwich), Mozzarella sticks (ordered 6 ate 3), and these things called Potato Bites (yummy fried potato with bacon and cheese inside (ordered 6 ate 5).

So, I think I am on a roll, at least when it comes to adding another one to my stomach. YAY! I'll weigh in tomorrow to see what damage I have done to myself. I really need to learn some frigging self control too.

WEIGH IN !!!!

2009-06-07T11:08:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched Witchblade and wrote and ended up in bed by 11pm. That is like Grandma time to me. I then woke up this morning almost 12 hours later. do you think my body is trying to tell me something? Sleep much? Apparently not. LOL

So its Weigh in people. and watch.. will I be the only one who does this? most likely. but if anyone else steps up to the plate, I will be extatic. :)

I haven't even eaten anything becuase I'm one of those supersticious people who feel that you go to the bathroom before weigh in, eat nothing, weigh in, and go on with your life.

So...

295.9 lbs!!!!

I've lost... 6.9 lbs!!! almost 7 lbs!!!

Thats awesome! at least for me that is. I just have to keep it up. its too late for breakfast so I'll end up eating a big lunch and try not to eat a giant dinner. :)

YAY!!

Bone Tired

2009-06-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

I worked my first full day today and I felt like I was going to die right there in the paint department. I'm learning quickly about who is who and and how everyone functions. you know how I love to people watch and study the human psyche and function. It amazes me as to how others take me and how they act in general.

Regardless, I like my job. And thats huge. :)

This morning I woke up, had waffles and went to work. lunch was el pollo loco chicken burrito but my side was salad. :) I didn't even use the dressing.

Dinner was .... well...

mom cooked. and when she cooks I have no idea what she uses or how much. I have no idea exactly how much fat content I am taking in.

I am so incredibly tired. my feet hurt so bad I had to go get inserts for my shoes. Lets hope they work. :)

tomorrow is to ebay clean and relax. :)

Monday, college!

I'm trying to keep busy and get my stuff done which is nice. lets hope with time... I succeed. :p

wish me luck.

remember...

TOMORROW IS WEIGH IN! so step up to the plate and admit where you are in your phat life.

First Time For Everything...

2009-06-04T23:20:00.000-07:00

So today was the first day of work. Last night we did slumber party and I got no damned sleep. We watched bride wars and played Scattergories which was a blast but hands down best part, writing with my besties.

we also gorged ourselves on chinese food and soda and damn was it good. Then I stood at work listening to my boss tell me about wood stains and realized that what kind of phat chick am I that I can't handle a get together with fattie foods? I'm just not ready for that kinda stuff.

today my boss bought me a muffin for breakfast to sit at starbucks and discuss paint. then at lunch we had burritos. WTF am i doing!!

then after some odd news after work we gorged ourselves on Red Robins. I had the terriyaki chicken sammich and salad with the fattiest dressing on earth. i haven't eaten dinner. i just don't have the heart to and now being 11:29pm its too late. I'm not feelin it anyway.

I'm done gorging myself. tomorrow, i'll read for lunch at work and come home and make a sammich. really. no excuses.

WEAKNESS IS UNNECCESSARY!

other than that, i love my job. and...

monday.. i conquer the school situation face to face.

wish me luck.

Thanks for nothing, Grad Images.

2009-06-04T09:46:00.001-07:00

Seriously? Gross. Can not look like this anymore.

Anyway... I did do pretty good yesterday and today. But it's taken MAJOR willpower. It definitely gets harder as you get older.

What I've recently noticed is my affinity for FAST food. Like, I'm lazy. I cannot tell you how many times I thought of stopping somewhere yesterday after work instead of taking my round behind home and just cooking the chicken breasts I had thawed in the fridge because it felt like too much work. Like 100 million times. Possibly more. BUT I totally drove past McSatan's and Devil In The Box. And I made it home and threw down some ginger/honey/orange chicken, peas & carrots, and mashed potatoes (yeah potatoes not great but better than a Big Mac fo sho!) The ginger part was the Fat Free Litehouse Sesame Ginger dressing that I am in love with. Added a lil honey and squeezed in some fresh orange. Had the rest of the orange and some grapes, blueberries, and rasberries for dessert. Yes maam this girl can cook!

It's 10:00 and so far today I've had a banana, a WW string cheese, some goldfish, and a 100-cal granola bar. Drinking water. Lunch is leftovers from last night. I had some serious internal arguments happening though when I went to Safeway to pick something up for my boss and Starbucks was ~~whispering~~ screaming my name. But I didn't do it. Yay me.

I am slowly getting used to 4 10-hour days/week. Tonight is the first day I'm going to the gym after. I went on Saturday and Sunday, and then on Monday I went home and ate and THEN went. But that's risking not going because once I'm home, I might not want to leave. Especially when it's a hundred and effing 50 degrees out. Still. At 8:00 at night. Anyway, I took Tue & Wed off. Today is neccessary to stay on the wagon.

Another downfall is going to sleep way too late. That needs work. Might need to take the TV outta the bedroom or something. Actually, should get rid of both TVs! TV + facebook + iPhone = major timesuck = zero weight loss.

However, speaking of the iPhone, I found this super cool app for it last night called Lose It. I love it! It has you enter your current weight and goal weight, pick whether you want to lose 1, 1.5, or 2 lbs/week and then tells you how many cals you should eat per day and when you will meet your goal if you stick to it. It told me if I lose 2 lbs/week, I can be at my goal weight of 160 by Dec. 10. It also tracks your intake and excercise each day. I think the blackberry is jealous, and I already don't want to give the iPhone back (just in a trial period for work purposes right now). I tried to find it online but looks like it's just an app right now.

Okay going back to work now. Do you guys all have twitter? We could tweet how we're doing.....just a thought....

At Times, I'm Petty

2009-06-04T01:09:00.000-07:00

Now that I have eaten my weight in chinese food, I think it would be a good time for me to stop eating all this garbage. What with my compulsion to compare my body to other people's and my need to look at least halfway decent when meeting an old friend, I need to get a hold on something in my life. It might as well be my weight. Then I can move on from there, hopefully it spreads like a disease, but a good disease, that helps out and stuff. Maybe disease was the wrong word, anyways, I just hope it spreads to other aspects of my life. It starts now, first thing, chips. If given the chance I will eat the entire king size bag of Doritos. They are the most delicious things on the planet earth and they are my major downfall. But from now on, no more. I will stop eating chips and start exercising. We'll see how that goes. Keep ya posted!

The Aftermath.

2009-06-01T20:07:00.001-07:00

First and foremost San Fran was freakin awesome!!!

I'd never been there before and we spent every moment we could either walking till our calves and thighs cried or laughing, or taking pictures, or trying not to get robbed on public transportation. YAY! lol

anyway it was outstanding and very worth it.

this morning... i weighed in and almost cried.

302.8 lbs. WTF

i mean i swear after walking the freakin entire length of san fransisco, you'd think i'd lost some weight! we didn't even eat an assload of snacks! but there ya have it.

today, i woke up around noon (because i was sooo damned tired from the trip) and then... thank you cramps went right back to sleep till around 3. yeah. i got up.. and basically shuffled around the house in a lost lamb/zombie situation of exhaustion. tomorrow, i go walking. i dont care where or how but i will. after walking up and down san fran, i think i can handle walking up and down my street. i need to just do it.

anyway, here's a few pix of the awesome freakin trip. :)

J D and Me at the Conservatory of Flowers

D J and me at the Ghirardelli chocolate factory (OH HEAVEN!)

D and Me Soaking up the tiny bit of sun peaking out on our last day

the infamous double coconut which we called the cocobutt. why does that look soo much like my ass?

D and I walkin down telegraph hill

Me D and J outside of Coit Tower

D and Me breakin diet with sourdough bread bowls full of clam chowder

The Bucket Man!!!

and finally... SCUBA SAM!!

ready to rumble!!!

2009-05-29T02:50:00.001-07:00

So this morning (being its like 3am) I'm flying to san fran and i'm sooo excited I can't see straight. I cannot wait to see my sisters and just enjoy spending time with them in a new city! well its new to me!

anyway wanted to let you know that i had broiled turkey patties for dinner with a rice/veggie medley and fruit juice which was freakin great!

i also had one dirty martini at the bar.

and he's killin me.

i have a real nasty crush and he not only knows i exist but treats me like i got the plague.

shoot me.

yay san fran! LOL

Here I Am!

2009-05-28T15:07:00.000-07:00

Okay so I'm finally posting...Yas...jeez can I get a minute to catch my breath? lol damn ya'll I feel like I haven't even had a chance to sit down. Between commencement, graduation, new job, new internship, and a trip back home...it's been slightly busy to say the least. But I can't complain. I love my new job so far. Even though I'm making less than I've made since like, right out of high school, I still feel like it's worth it. I just wanted something that would allow me to pay my bills and somewhere I could be HAPPY and keep learning, and I got it. Yay me.

On a side note, this is how cool my workplace is. I was just offered my position "officially" yesterday, so the IT guy was like, "I need to take your picture for your badge today". And of course I was like uhhhh no thanks. "Can I send you one?" And he said sure! Sweet! No ugly fat face pic on my badge for me yo!

So, new blog Yas? Why not keep the old one? Might be a good look though, fresh start and whatnot.

As for food, it's the same story for me. I do pretty good during the day and horrible after work. I am super lazy lately when it comes to making my own dinner. I need to learn to eat a good breakfast and pack lunch and lil snacks to eat during the day so I'm not so tempted to hit up fast food drive-thrus on the way home.

Today I had:
Breakfast @ 9:30: Egg McMuffin (7 pts) and large Iced Tea w/Splenda
Snack: Whole Grain Goldfish (3 pts)
Lunch: Wendy's chicken blt salad (20 pts) and large Iced Tea w/Splenda

Um yeah...so I'm thinking baked chicken and veggies for dinner and THAT'S IT. I haven't had a salad @ Wendy's for ages and didn't know it didn't come with the grilled chicken...usually Jack in the Box asks you what you want. But I'm pretty sure the dressing is what killed it. That's a mistake I won't be making again.

The HR lady and I were talking about WW yesterday...her 40 yr class reunion is in July and she is concerned...lol. She says if we can get 8 people together WW will come here. That would be cool. I'm trying to go back to Portland for the long July 4th weekend. Would like to lose like 15 lbs before then. Gonna get a calendar and start counting down, I think...

Tonight I'm downloading some Lady Gaga, Pink, and that new Black Eyed Peas song for the cardio playlist on the iPod. Any other suggestions???

Back to work! I'll holla!

breakfast of phat champions

2009-05-28T11:23:00.000-07:00

So last night I couldn't sleepy worth a damned. I was up until 4am crocheting a hat, lumpily. yeah. I said it.

So imagine my surprise when I dreamt of my cell phone ringing, only to wake up and find my cell phone.... RINGING! lol duh. It was my sister Doriss telling me that no matter what, San Fran was on. She wanted me to know that she would do her damnedest, with the help of my sister Jen to do this trip. :) I hung up, woke up, and cried. I still have to call my little sister and thank her. profusely.

Unable to sleep any further, I crawled out of bed and ate a 2 point Archer Farms Cherry Vanilla yogurt. Archer Farms is sooo good! damn you Target. :p

Why is it that every brand of yogurt out there sweetens with Aspartame!? Do you have any idea what that shit does do your insides?! why don't you just go bathe in freakin sweet n low!?

okay I'm off my double supported fat girl sized soap box hehe :D

I'm about to make lunch and I'm thinkin a cup of pasta. but who knows... I might change my mind. I've not gotten that far yet.

As soon as I'm done with the second hat, I'll post a picture. Until then... the first hat shall be buried as its horrible lumpy and kinda retardedly cute. :p

Cramps a-plenty

2009-05-28T00:49:00.000-07:00

stress much? lol apparently I do.

So yesterday I busted my butt on DDR Mario Mix which was fantastic as I also went out :p woo

but today ... today I was just tired and feelin like someone Kicked me in the ASS. I was however, in a better mood than usual which was strange. I spent the day with me myself and Isis the cat. I got up late as all get out so I ate 2 small tuna sammiches (which had minimal mayo since I freakin HATE mayo) green onion, pickle salt and pepper mmmm...

makes me think of Doriss my sister makin tuna with chunks of avocado in it. ooohh sooo gooood.

anyway I ate that .. and 2 string cheese sticks and that was it. I didn't do a damned thing workout-wise but I did however, learn to crochet a new hat! yay.

so san fran.

SAN FRAN!!!

this is the first annual sister trip and I'm going to miss it. It was a risk we all took knowing that I was moving to cali, with one of the highest rates of unemployment in the nation. no job, no money, nothin. I scraped up barely enough cash to buy the plane ticket and was damned determined to make it if it killed me.

so .. down to the wire and I didn't have enough to support me with the itinerary that was planned. sure I could have afforded dollar menu style, but there is no dollar menu in san fran apparently. So I'm stuck.

with a deal that was made, I sold my Ed Hardy sunglasses. It broke my damned heart but I did it.

and when it all came down to it, I still didn't have enough.

so screw it. I'm done.

I'm going to miss the first annual sister trip.

Today I ate a 9 point pita, 2 tuna sammiches, a turkey sammich, a bowl of special k with strawberries, multiple string cheeses, multiple pickles, a scoop of cottage cheese, and multiple cups of cocoa.

depressed much?

Its been a shitty day with flecks of good humor.

I hope my sisters have fun and bring back tons of pictures. at least I can live vicariously through them on this trip.

Prepare for subject change!!!

**********

so I've become addicted to watching this chick teach people how to do makeup on Youtube. I've learned soo much from her!!

check it out.

Saguraro Lake

2009-05-25T19:03:00.000-07:00

Okay- So, i've been really excited about Memorial Day weekend.....
It was a lot of fun! I got there at like 8am and found this kick ass spot called Butcherman Jones Beach and we set up our day there...

We made burgers with lettuce tomato onions ketchup the works.. and i had it all and macaroni salad on the side, yeah... so tankini is my bestfriend for the summer... lol

though i did weigh myself yesterday or the day before i dont remember but anyways i only weighed 126 saweeet getting closer, and im slowly but surely looking a bit more normal around the belly yay.

Going to San Fran on friday totally excited about that.
Gonna have a great time..

I have to write and agree with Yas, Guys are retarded. I met this guy at dos a few nights ago and he was way hot and charming and made me feel like a lady, bought me a drink and sat with us at our table introduced me to his friends..

still havent heard from him since and that was thursday- Im not going to call though... he can call me.
(which i hope he does) maybe ill shoot him a text... well see.

Anyway peace out.

Weigh In!

2009-05-25T11:38:00.000-07:00

I've not got much to say. i'm sick and that sucks but i did manage to weigh in this morning!

296.6 lbs! i have lost 2.2 lbs!

that may not seem like much to you but its amazing to me and i'm soo glad. :) i'll be keeping it up.

i'll post later about my food intake.

YAY!!!

The Business of Being Sick

2009-05-24T23:54:00.000-07:00

So I missed out on Friday, Saturday and most of today before my mind realized that I had not posted and completely fell off the wagon.

But don't worry, I didn't just fall off the wagon without an inkling of it already embedded in my mind. I should first and foremost tell you that boys are dumb. gay, straight, doesn't matter. They are all retarded.

I met one. (i meet them all the time... but this was different) and I instantly fell. Not in Love.... just .. fell. He made me blush. I NEVER BLUSH!! and yet, he had me blushing. I thought we hit it off. I was, apparently, wrong. Friday night I met him, Saturday night, he was with some hoodrat. For the first time in a seriously long time, I felt hideous. I felt gross. I felt....

completely unworthy.

I had no idea that my self esteem was so damned fragile.

I realized that I'm in no way ready for dating. too much to do with myself.

so thats out. k

i screwed up with a jacks spicy chicken but other than that... I have been actually pretty good. I didn't weigh in this morning but I will tomorrow morning.

As to the site... I've been hoping to have some participation and support from my loved ones but apparently they are too busy with their lives to support something that I need to do. I'm going to keep this up and do my damnedest but I meant what I said when I said I would need outside support to help me with this.

Its a real disappointment.

But hey, I guess that's life huh?

80's night

2009-05-21T20:05:00.000-07:00

its 8pm and I'm watching West Side Story and trying not to cry. I just ate dinner, after feeling frisky and makin mom salmon (which I don't like at all) and veggies and rice.

I ate a small turkey sammich and 3 cups of veggies/rice mix (with 2 tbsp of brummel and brown low fat butter)

which was fantastic. :) strange how that filled me up and i'm good with that. i think my mind is getting used to not eating myself outta house and home. :p

sammich - 4 pts
mix - 3pts
butter - 2pts

9 pts.

which leaves me enough points for exactly 2 drinks. thats it. :) i get to dress up and look all hot with giant bangs and such. its gonna be good times LOL i wish i had parachute pants. that would only make me look hotter. i'll try to get pix tonight :P

drama on the high seas

2009-05-21T13:06:00.000-07:00

wait what?

today is going to be better than yesterday as yesterday was pretty much an alltime low of eating retardation.

i got up too late for breakfast (again) so when i got home from my best pal gettin his hair did, i had a yoplait low fat yogurt (2pts) which scares me because those bitches sweeten with aspartame. doesn't that shit cause cancer??? seriously.

now, as lunch is staring me in the face like paparazzi all up in my business, i decided that i will tame the pasta beast if it kills me.

so i'm having pasta! whole wheat whole grain pasta from fry's. (yes sherry its that one box i bought forever ago and never ate). 1 cup is 3 pts. thats sooo damned good for pasta.

and the fiber in one cup is a whopping 5 grams! thats huge. thats outstanding. i miss my fiber one bars. damned expensive things.

so i will start with that... with Barilla Marinera sauce (1/2 cup is 1 point!!!) and maybe some veggies... my lunch should freakin be complete.

let us pray.

Dear god.. please do not let me eat a whole loaf of bread today. not even wheat bread. a slice ... okay. but not a whole damned loaf. and let me not touch the extremely horrifyingly good cookies and cream ice cream my mother bought when i was on vacation. (what the hell was she thinking not getting diet!?)

amen.

:p

Thursday blues...

2009-05-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

I bitch when I want to loose the weight, I bitch when I say im going to exersice (and dont)
then i bitch because clothes dont fit, i bitch that im a meaty cow, i bitch because i feel insecure.

Sad right?

I feel like scum, maybe lower than it. Because I know Im better than that, HELLO just had a baby here! Dont really get "time" to do a lot...unless its late at night or ass crack of dawn.

no thank you.

Trevor is trying to convince me to go to track with him on tuesdays... HAH! i laugh everytime he calls, I decided to stop answering the phone on tuesday nights. Im MIA.

But, I am however watching my food intake more, and waking up and atleast doing sit ups and crunches... Id like to wear a bikini and not a tankini...

So, i dont have the point system yet, but ate
Wheat bread with cream chesse
Coffee
and a bowl of life cereal.

Last night i had papa johns pizza to the americal idol finale... GO KRIS! yayayayaya so glad he won.

Anyway, ill post later-- I have to get to work.
Peace!

Disaster much?

2009-05-21T02:19:00.000-07:00

Once lunch passed the real hell began today as i ate myself into a coma.

i ate...

ice cream

red wine

massive plate of pasta with red sauce and ground beef.

more ice cream

and then ... hit the bar.

i'm totally ashamed at my lack of willpower. its amazing how that even happened.

i have to find a way to control what the hell i'm doing and thinking during the afternoons and evernings. the fact that i didn't even bother to think twice was just unacceptable. how am i supposed to lose weight if i have no willpower?

its always been my problem... saying no. i can say no to bad fashion, i can say no to drugs but i can't for the life of me say no to food!!! i'm like a crack head and food is my crack. but unlike a crackhead who can escape crack, my crack is on every freakin corner. is in my fridge, is in my life every day! I need it to survive but not too much.

how the hell do you suddenly grow a set?

i dont know what i'm going to do but motivation isn't something i have and i need to find a way to grow willpower. cultivate it and freakin thrive off of it because i cannot live like this anymore.

sunday is weigh in.

i'm scared outta my mind as to the damage i did alone... today.

tomorrow.. has to be better

nite!

oh... and the drink...

heres a the dirty evidence.

lazy hump day

2009-05-20T12:54:00.000-07:00

Today's Jimmy Stewart's Birthday! which probably means nothin to you guys but to me.. thats a happy day. He's dead... but still...

So I got an email from Torrid tellin me to drool over their bathingsuits. So I bit the bullet and had a looksie.

ya know being fat is extremely expensive. I bought a tankini set from target for 32 bux. at torrid, one piece... just like the top is 48. What kind of crap is that!? It makes no sense! so thank you Torrid for price gouging. please feel free to have a look at their stuff which isnt made any better than anywhere else.. its just more expensive to make you think so.

anyway so today was incredibly strange to start. i slept until about 10am then basically dozed for another hour. i have no idea why i have these sleeping habits but i've had them since i was very young. i've always been a night owl and even when attempting to change it... i couldn't. so today was a late starter.

i got no breakfast. yeah i know. bad girl. but i pretty much slept through it. :)

but lunch would make up for it. :)

i got creative and decided to broil a chicken breast (3 points) make veggies (1 point) and brown rice (4 points) for a nice filling lunch. :)

i totalled out to 8 points and 2 points for a glass of cranberry juice. :) 10 point lunch.

i have to plan dinner but i haven't gotten that far and today i really am going to do some workout as yesterday was just embarassing as i posted i would and never did!!

broiler of my dreams

2009-05-19T18:39:00.000-07:00

So mom bought a new stove like the day before I went on vacation. I came back to find out she is a cooking champ now with the sexy new oven. :P

today we made hamburgers which is a fat girls death wish almost as bad as pasta. unless you do it right. :p

Lets look at ingredients:

lettuce - no calories/fat no points
mustard - same deal
pickles - same deal
meat. it depends on what you buy. today we had 100% all beef ... YAY which calculated out to 4 points a patty
and the dreaded bun. we did wheat buns from target which calculated out to 3 points a bun.

i had 2 burgers. YES 2 GET OFF MY BACK!

i'm workin on the portion size okay!?

being that the meat and the buns totalled out to 14 points for everything.. that was my dinner intake.

but wait there's more!

i slipped and had buffalo chips which were uncalulable. because they are fat ... kettle fried. LOL

and sour cream. but it was light.

and two more cheese sticks. damnit.

so my total today is...

brunch 6 pts
cheese 4 pts (snack)
dinner 14 pts
snack unknown (thank god for 35 extra weekly points for slipups)

24 points!!

i have 6 points for a later snack. :) yay!

i feel ... less fat.

okay so i didnt do a drop of exorcising. LOL!! i'll do it now. i promise. just let me let the burgers digest so i dont explode.

WHERE ARE THE REST OF MY GIRLS!!??

and thank you J for joining!

oh... and weight watchers counter for free!! i found it online just in case you dont have the paper kind like i do.

by the way.. the counter works off of fat grams calories and fiber. :) so if you're out.. take that down.

brunch? at 2pm?

2009-05-19T13:53:00.000-07:00

Yeah so my biggest problem is not eating breakfast. Not only am I not an early morning riser, but I am also not one to eat heavy in the early day because it makes me feel sluggish.

but then again that might be because breakfast always seems to consist of pancakes or bacon or something horrifically good like that.

So if I steal the fundementals of the old Weight Watchers Points plan... I need to be averaging about 30 pts a day.

today's lunch is a sammich. yes i say sammich because its ghetto nothin fancy LOL

here's my calculations...

Sara Lee Honey Wheat Bread 2 slices - 3pts
Oscar Meyer Deli Fresh Turkey Meat 6 slices - 1 pt ( yeah i was shocked too)
Claussen Pickle Spear - 0 pts!
Frenches Mustard - 0 pts!
Market Fresh brand Mozerella String Cheese 1 stick - 2 pts

Total lunch points = 6 points.

i will definitely need to add a snack. not only will i be starved after the sammich... but its not enough points to sustain me.

yay

its already hard!!!

A new years resolution....gone bad.

2009-05-19T13:27:00.000-07:00

Like any other person, I have a dream... wait.
I just want to loose some baby weight.

Oh by the way yas, your a goose...but funny.

Okay so, back in Jan my plan was to start walking on Jan 1st... then got delayed till the 20th then the 5th of Feb. Then i just forgot about it. TERRIBLE!

Anyways

Here are my details...
Weigh in: 133 (oh my!)
Goal weight :120

so 13 pounds to go, and a flat belly with a semi 6pack and some toneness to my arms back and def my legs!

Running is the key for me, but my lazy ass has a problem either
1. deciding when to go
2. if i really feel like going
3.i might be in the middle of eating taco bell lol
4. getting a babysitter (lame excuse i know)
5. running in the heat /in front of people at YMCA.... boo.

So all in all it's time to suck it in, literally and get my ass back into shape.

Oh and im addicted to Coke Cola, it could replace water for me. Is that bad? LOL

IT HAS BEGUN!!!!

2009-05-19T10:22:00.001-07:00

I've decided to finally do this the right way because as of this last week, I hit the lowest point in my phat life. I've been the big girl in life since I was in junior high and I realize now that only I can change that. I mean sure, I'm a hot tamale, eating more tamales, and I know that no matter what I'm beautiful.

but Mom, really. That can only get me so far if the hotness is all on the inside being smothered by a layer of self induced lard.

So here I am, creating this, hoping my friends and family will join, be honest and for once in all our lives, be accountable for our phat asses. ;p

So here it is.

I have a weight watchers scale. its as accurate as a blinde weatherman. so I weighed myself 3 times this morning (all were different readings!) and averaged them out.

"How do I average?" you say? simple.
weigh yourself three times. then, divide by three. sample...

254.6 + 256.2 + 253.5 = 764.3

764.3 /3 = 254.8

So your average weight is 254.8 lbs and that means its time to do something because I know you're probably as sick and tired of backfat as I am. I don't know about you but I don't think bras are supposed to curl up...

Today is my first day back from vacation and I realized (while bathing suit shopping) that nothing sucks more than being fat. really.

I took in like six tankini tops all the same size and as my sister checked her text messages next to me, I managed to let one top python its way around my breasts and pretty much strangle me. it took her a good 30 seconds to stop laughing so she could help pry the thing off of me. I am now... a size 24.

and that's on a good day folks. so I'll be posting my brains out on here, telling you what works for me, what doesn't work for me and what might just work for you!

the main goal of this blog is to help other people lose weight, but mainly, to get my phat ass off of the couch and do something, because so far, my life as it is, just isn't working.

so here's to the first post.

I haven't had breakfast yet, but I'm going to.

so weigh in today is

298.8 lbs. I am less than 2 lbs shy of my "kill me now" all time high of 300 lbs. I swore to myself I'd never get this big and boy has that been one big phat lie.

I'm goin to whip out the tai bo dvd and play some dance dance revolution and pray to god I can make it through the day without eating every drop of bread in the house.

wish me luck!

oh.. and my BMI is 47 point something or other which makes me technically morbidly obese.

*cries*

*smacks herself*

theres no crying in baseball!!!

what?